Grace of the Hunter Failing Faith

Dean stared at the wall so intently it was as if he was trying to knock it over with his mind. His hands had wrung themselves together into a sweaty mess. He waited for Sam to come back in the room, to have an answer for whatever the hell just happened. Sam always had an answer, if not then he had a plan. That's how the roles were balanced between them. Dean was the muscle, the hard-headed care-taker, the one who took the most risks. Sam was the nerd, the baby brother, the one who could figure out how to save the world hundreds and hundreds of times over.

His hands began to shake and he brought them up to his mouth. His eyes closed as he tried harder and harder to remember what he did. The image of Crowley laying on the floor, blood draining from his body, his face white yet still smiling. Dean's body shook, almost in fear of himself. He never lost control like that, not anymore. He knew Crowley was going to kill him, probably, but what he did was so primal and raw. He never felt that he could accomplish anything like that since Castiel raised him from hell.

The angelic hunter slowly stood to his feet. He wandered down the hall, careful not to attract Sam's attention. He stepped into his room and latched the door shut behind him. Dean reached the center of his room, shaking his hands out as if whatever was wrong would just fly right out of them. He began to pace, wringing his hands again and sweat pouring off his forehead. He suddenly felt sick and ran to his bathroom. Dean splashed water on his face, barley taking time between splashes to allow himself to breathe.

He looked into his face in the mirror, the first time he's done so since his incident. He could hardly recognize himself. His face seemed stretched, almost like all of the stress that he endured was lifted from both his body and his soul. He looked closely at the change of features, and then he saw his eyes.

Dean brought his face close to the mirror, studying each and every strand of color that fanned within his eyes. There was the green he was used to, green like granny smith apples; the ones that made his favorite pie. There were also strands of brown and yellow, but they were normal as well. It was the blue that surprised him. Within his eyes, almost wrapping themselves around the green and dancing over his pupils, was a very familiar blue. The deep and clarifying ocean blue that he could only remember belonging to one person. His head fell between his shoulders and he brought a hand to the mirror.

"Cas," Dean whispered, "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing."

Dean hopped backwards, knocking over a couple of bottles of shampoo and shaving cream. He knew who the voice belonged to, but it came from his lips. He circled around himself and found that he was alone.

"Cas?" Dean whispered again, keeping himself still and closing his eyes.

"I am here, Dean."

The voice was definitely Castiel's, but it was wrong. There was no feeling in the voice. It brought a memory to Dean of when he first met the angel. He had no concept of emotions then, but he had learned.

"Where are you?"

"I am in you."

Dean's eyes opened, catching his lips moving with Castiel's voice.

"Cas, I need to see you."

With this a bright light came through Dean and he could feel something pulling him. He relaxed his body and he began to spiral within himself. He found himself face-planted in some grass. There was sunlight, and the fresh smell of forestry. He gripped the grass between his fingers and breathed in the freshness. When he felt himself become completely calm, he brought himself to his feet.  

He took a moment to let his surroundings sink in. He was in a great meadow. Hills and trees stretched across the horizon while beds of beautiful and colorful flowers were spread across the grass like a joyful blemish. He circled around and saw what he wanted. Standing in the middle of a bed of bright yellow flowers stood a dark haired man with a tan trench coat. Dean smiled and could not help the skip in his step as he ran in Castiel's direction.

As Cas turned to face him, Dean's smile faded. His run turned to a cautious walk. This did not look like his Cas. He face was too stern, his posture too poised. His tie was tied perfectly. This was NOT his Castiel.

"What happened to you?" Dean asked, trying to pull away all signs of confrontation from his voice.

"You died." The angel answered simply, his face unchanging and his body motionless.

"I know that," Dean answered. He attempted to keep his tone just as plain. "but how did...THIS happen?"

"Dean," Castiel began, he lowered himself into the flowers, running his hands over the silky petals. "When you died I lost everything. The human inside of me could not handle the emotion. All I could think of was what if I had another minute...another day."

Dean's eyes followed Cas's, but they were not what he expected. There was nothing within them, even the great blue he loved was faded into a simple puddle. The sight of him, to see what he had become, Dean almost cried but he refused to shed another tear over the loss of his angel. Instead he sat cross-legged across from the angel, allowing him to continue.

"There was only one way to ensure that not only would you live, but that I can still protect you." Castiel began to pluck the flowers from the ground, ripping the roots from the soft soil. "It was the only way to that I would not be a failure....and the world would survive."

Dean pulled himself closer to Cas, and gripped the angel's hand, looking for something, anything to show him that his Castiel was still in there. Castiel did nothing, his hand was cold and limp.

"Dean, I am not human." These words came out so cold that Dean almost wished that Cas had punched him instead. "The last piece of my humanity was stripped from me when I gave you my grace. Every bit of me that felt for you, is gone. That man died the same day you did."

"That's not true." Dean whispered, staring deep into his angel's eyes. "You're still here, with me."

"I cannot give you what you want Dean." Castiel stood up and turned his back to Dean. "My purpose is to eradicate the evil of this world."


"And how are you going to do that?" Dean stood, his anger flaring up and casting itself at Castiel's backside, "Are you going to do what you did to Crowley? That guy was an asshole, I know but what you did--"

"Was save you." Cas turned and gave Dean a very stern and harsh look. "I cannot hesitate as I once did. I have nothing holding me from achieving my purpose. I am no longer an angel of the lord."

He spread his arms and great wings spread around his back. These wings were not Cas's, they were even larger and held more might, the feathers were such a dark black that they seemed to have been burned.

"I am greater, I am stronger, I will be the force to bring this world an age of peace."

Castiel's voice grew deeper with each word, his eyes began to glow, but red and not blue.

"I am NOT your Castiel any longer! I will become your GOD!"